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Author: jzolotas

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2 Step Guide to Avoid Holiday Season Meltdowns

 

The holiday season is a time of familial and communal celebration… It can also be anxiety and depression provoking for many of us. There are heightened expectations, many more social obligations, and it truly can be an emotional roller coaster, where we feel as though we are being pulled in a thousand different directions.

 

Here are my 2 suggestions for making it through the next few months with minimal emotional scarring and meltdowns.

 

 

~Practicing Gratitude~

Here is why practicing gratitude is important. This Harvard Health Publishing article explains that thinking about and expressing what we are grateful for increases our own sense of well-being and can improve the moods of those around us. Further more, if you are stuck in a negative thought cycle, taking a moment to meditate on what you are grateful for in your life can give you the space your mind needs to get on a different track. You don’t even have to write it down; just stop, close your eyes, ask yourself the question, “what am I grateful for?” And think about that person or thing for a few moments. THAT’S IT. It can be totally private, and certainly does not need to be broadcasted over the internet (i.e. #Blessed) to make it legitimate and effective.

~ Exercise ~

Well you knew this was coming at some point! This article from the American Psychological Association explains that exercise can help alleviate depression in the short term AND long term. You can do an experiment all by yourself… after a stressful day, go for a brisk 20 minutes walk, do you feel better or worse after your walk? I rest my case.

Even outside of the holiday season, the most common excuse for not exercising is “I’m too busy.” So let’s redefine the idea of exercise; instead of skipping the gym because you can’t fit in a full hour, commit to a 15-20 minute workout at a higher intensity. What about a brisk walk during your lunch break or before/after work?

~ Final Thoughts ~

Beware of perfectionism, it runs rampant this time of year. Slow down, take a big breath,  open your eyes and check who’s driving the bus. Is it Pammy the Perfectionist or Down-to-Earth Debbie ? Pammy will drive you over a cliff, Pammy didn’t even pass her drivers exam… BEWARE OF PAMMY.

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Phone a Friend

Here’s something most of my close friends know about me; when I am feeling depressed I isolate myself. It is so incredibly difficult for me to reach out to anyone for help. And “help” just means getting together to talk in an environment where I feel accepted and loved. It doesn’t mean getting answers to problems. After about 7-10 days of depression I FINALLY relent and will call/text a friend or family member to get together to talk. And guess fucking what? I FEEL BETTER. EVERY. TIME. So why the intense resistance?

 

Why am I so afraid to reach out to people that have told me time and time again that they love me and are there for me? 

 

 

FEAR LIST

  • I will be seen by my friends as weak and they will lose respect for me
  • I will be seen by my friends as mentally disturbed, and that will freak them out
  • My friends will pity me
  • I will lose some kind of power within the friendship
  • I will violate my friends’ expectations and that will upset them

Have any of these fears ever manifested in real life? In my experience, no, never.  My initial gut reaction is to suffer in silence. But the cool thing about being a human is we have CHOICES. It seems obvious, but how many time has your brain been hijacked by a childlike self that steers you right over a goddam cliff? For me, like 50 times.  Putting my fears on display is super uncomfortable, but that’s how I know its productive. Changing behavior is all about practice, so the more I practice vulnerability, the easier it will become.

Counter arguments to my fear list…

  • I will be seen by my friend as weak and they will lose respect for me

OR: My friend will be honored to be the one I turn to in my time of need and our friendship will become stronger

  • I will be seen by my friend as mentally disturbed, and that will freak them out

OR: My friend will relate to me and say the most comforting of phrases, “Dude, I totally know what you mean.”

  • My friend will pity me

OR: My friend will respect me for having the courage to share my feelings

  • I will lose some kind of power/control within the friendship

OR: Letting go of the power dynamic (which is a thing I made up in my head) will bring us closer together

  • I will violate my friend’s expectations and that will upset them

OR: My friend will be relieved that I am also a human that goes through hard times

I hope this was helpful to you and remember ALWAYS PHONE A FRIEND, you will never regret it. We are social creatures and we need one another and there is NOTHING SHAMEFUL about it. Much love to you all!

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Surviving Your First Yoga Class

When I first started attending yoga classes over a decade ago, I remember feeling totally out of place and very uncomfortable… physically, mentally, and emotionally. The movements felt foreign and awkward. I thought everyone else was experiencing this deeply relaxed and blissful state while flowing through the poses, and I would think, “there is something wrong with me that I can’t relax and I am uncomfortable.”  Deep down I knew there was something good about this whole yoga thing, and I continued to practice, trying all kinds of classes and styles, and eventually becoming a yoga teacher myself. 

5 things I wish someone had told me when I first started:

Do your research – Find a reputable studio and a beginner style class. Email or call ahead to make sure you’re prepared and you know what to expect; how early you should arrive, do they provide all of the equipment/props, etc. Just because your friend Monica LOOOOOOOVES this class taught by the dude, blah blah blah, does not mean that’s the right class for you. Ten years ago I took my poor friend Kate to a Bikram class for her first yoga experience and she had to leave 15 minutes in to vomit…. I rest my case.

What to wear – High waisted leggings (no flare/bootcut,) a snug tank top with a sports bra, and a hoodie/sweater. You will be bending over A LOT, so don’t wear pants that you need to keep pulling up or a shirt you need to keep pulling down. A baggy shirt will be falling off you the whole time you’re in downward facing dog, or any standing forward fold, which will be distracting and annoying for you. The hoodie/sweater will be lovely at the end for final resting pose (savasana) where you lie on your mat for 5-10 minutes. Even if you’re hot during class, it gets chilly during this pose while your body is motionless.

Introduce yourself to the teacher – Come a few minutes early and introduce yourself, let the teacher know that you’re new, and tell them if you have any previous injuries. As long as the class isn’t humungus, like over 18-20 people, an experienced instructor will be able to offer modifications for the poses and keep a bit of an eye on you to make sure you’re staying safe. Be aware that, unless otherwise stated, the instructor may touch you in order to enhance or adjust a pose. 

Use all props available – At the very least have 2 blocks close by at all times. If there is a bolster (looks like a long pillow,) grab that too. Using props is not a sign of weakness, it’s just plain sensible. It will not inhibit progress or the effectiveness of the practice. It WILL make the practice safer and more enjoyable. I let my ego get in the way of using props for years and when I finally got over myself and began using them it was heavenly. I still often use blocks for countless poses; triangle (especially reverse,) pyramid, half moon, pigeon, and more!

 

 

Don’t get too stressed about the breath – A lot of classes nowadays are Vinyasa style, meaning linking breath to movement. The teacher will be cueing when to inhale and when to exhale for a lot of the class. I remember this really stressing me out, like oh shit I’m already breathing out and she’s saying to breath in, what do I do?!?! Just do your best, and keep breathing, thinking of the breath as the wind in your sails, the force that moves you. The quality of breath that can be achieved through yoga is glorious, and it’s what many attribute the post yoga “high” feeling to, but it takes time.

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“Whose Daughter Are You?” An Ode to Mom.

I chose fitness as my profession and as a main source of joy in my life because I love the feeling I get when pushing my body and mind outside their comfort zones. My brain associates discomfort with growth and new experiences. I welcome that jazzed, primal feeling. She may be surprised to hear it, but I credit my mother for this love and for me finding my passion in fitness. What’s funny is that my mother wouldn’t be caught DEAD in a gym, besides to visit me.

She asks with a smile, “Whose daughter are you?” when I’m excitedly telling her all about the obstacles I dominated at the Tough Mudder. But it makes sense to me now; I am up for the challenge, because since I can remember, my mom has been telling me so.

Let me elaborate…

When I was going through a crisis as a teenager, like a boy not calling me back, my mother would say the most INFURIATING thing: “This too shall pass; in a month, this won’t matter.” I remember thinking how incredibly unhelpful that was and that it didn’t make me feel better at all. It would be over a decade until I truly understood the lesson; nothing lasts forever, not the bad or the good.

My mother knew she couldn’t change my feelings in that moment. She was trying to give the gift of perspective and clue me into the miraculous human capacity for resiliency. She would acknowledge my emotions, but she would not indulge me in my wallowing. Of course, my brain was too saturated in hormones to understand the wisdom she was trying to bestow.

My mother would take my brother and I on walks in the woods from the time we were very young. Sometimes it was day, sometimes it was night. We never knew how long the walk would last or where exactly we were going. My mother’s walks are like a stream of consciousness; fluid and with no clear destination. She wanders, but with resolve. We never brought water or snacks, but I have no memory of ever being hungry or thirsty. We still take these walks occasionally, me following her through the woods unquestioningly.

Growing up, we were taken along to wherever our parents went. We were expected to behave and amuse ourselves with whatever was around. The world was not designed for children, and mom wasn’t going to make it seem so.  Quitting, getting my own way, or being the center of the universe, was generally not a thing in my childhood. We were bored A LOT. But enduring boredom is also a skill, a long lost art, in fact. What child sits alone with their thoughts nowadays..?.. or adult for that matter? My imagination was glorious. When driving in the car I would visualize a horse outside my window in full gallop, jumping over everything in its path; signs, bridges, rivers… I am so happy I didn’t have an iPad.

My mother was, and still is, incredibly calm during adverse situations. For me growing up, this helped me be less fearful. Pain and discomfort was a part of life, not necessarily to be invited in, but if it arose, not to be feared or given power. I remember all of my friends having “water shoes” for traversing the rocky shores of our lake, and I went barefoot. “Doesn’t that hurt your feet?” My friends’ parents would ask. “Oh, I guess a little,” I’d say, happily navigating my way to the water, not thinking to complain or let it hold me up.

I truly appreciate that my mother let me experience discomfort and didn’t try to pour sugar all over everything if things went sour. I remember falling from my horse and crying “It hurts!” And she saying, “Damn right it does, sweetie,” putting a gentle hand on my back, giving me a moment to wipe my tears, and dust off before helping me get back on, because as all riders know, barring death, you always get back on.

As I entered my mid twenties, I began to recognize her voice in my head, and I listened. Her words had morphed into my own self pep-talks. When going through my divorce I told myself, “I know you’re feeling like shit, but you will get through this, just keep moving forward.” When experiencing depression and/or anxiety, “This is not permanent, don’t fight it, just move through it and you’ll feel better soon, you always do, you are not depressed, you are Justine.”

It amazes me how often I still forget these childhood lessons. About once every 6 weeks I’ll think, “well this is it, I’m a failure of a human, I should just go live in a hole,” and the tears begin to bubble up inside me. But without fail, the words I need to hear emerge in my mind, repeating like a mantra, “this too shall pass, keep moving.”

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Is Comparing Yourself to Others Always Bad?

The Pros & Cons of Comparing Yourself to Others

In Fitness (& Life)

PRO – Inspiration

When I first started taking fitness classes I found a friend in the crowd of benches and bars. We were about the same age and body type. She had been going to the class for at least a year. I was in awe of her and how much she could lift and it excited and inspired me to think maybe I could get there too. I would set up next to her every class I could, even though I was a little embarrassed by my baby-weights! Eventually, I was able to lift the same weight as her. It felt like an amazing accomplishment! Thinking back now, maybe if I had just sat in the back, self-absorbed and not paying attention to anyone else, I would not have gotten as strong as I did.

You can do more than you think you can (especially my ladies out there!) There have been several instances while training in the gym that a woman with my similar size and build will pick up a weight, and I’m like, “whaaaaaaaat??” Then, of course, I’m like, I gotta try that for myself! If she can do it, I can too! Women especially tend to underestimate their strength, or they are afraid if they lift too heavy they’ll “bulk up” (A MYTH.)

PRO – Motivation

If your working out next to someone at the gym, you’re more likely to take less brakes and work a little harder than if you were alone. You may not be doing it on purpose, but let’s be honest, we don’t workout in a vacuum! We are social creatures.

Research shows that working out with a buddy can increase your chances of accomplishing your fitness goals. If you look over and see your fitness-friend working harder than you, chances are you’ll up your intensity to match. This kind of “friendly competition” can be very effective in improving fitness of all kinds. Comparing your effort to their effort can help you work harder. The opposite is also true, so be careful to choose the right buddy! If they keep skipping out on your workouts, that means you’re more likely to play hooky too.

PRO – Innovation

I’ve gotten a boatload of new exercise ideas for myself and for my clients by comparing my programming with the programming of other trainers. Paying attention to what other fitness pros are up to is a great way to add to your programming toolbox, whether you’re a trainer or a fitness enthusiast. I love that I can go on Instagram and find at least 5 new exercise ideas I could never dream of on my own. There are new twists on classic moves, innovative utilization of everyday objects, and more! There’s also a million ways to break your own (or worse, your client’s) neck, so take it with a block of salt.

CON – Minimizing Your Own Accomplishments

These are all examples of personal goals I’ve achieved in the last 2 years:

  1. Got my 200 hour yoga teacher training certification
  2. Started a business

Yay me, right?? Well, I spend about 5 minutes feeling accomplished and proud of myself, THEN I think about that person I know that is just beyond where I’m at and the comparing begins… they’ve lost 20 lbs, their business is actually making money, they received their 500 hour YTT certification and are able to do a handstand in their sleep. Oof, gut punch to the ego. Suddenly my accomplishments seem insignificant. I begin to day dream about bigger and better goals I will conquer, thinking, once these are accomplished, then I’ll be happy.

Humility and modesty are good traits. That doesn’t mean you can’t feel proud of yourself, accept compliments on your achievements, and give yourself a relaxing buffer between one goal and the next. Pause after you’ve accomplished something instead of rushing off to get the next thing done. Even little things like cleaning your living room; take a moment, look around, acknowledge your fine work and take a deeeeeeep breath. Then move on, because that litter box isn’t going to clean itself!

Most of you probably don’t know this about me, but my nickname is “Deflectra,” which is a combination of Electra (my middle name) and “deflecting.” I got this nickname because whenever anyone acknowledges one of my achievements, I make excuses for why it’s really not a big deal, and mention people that have done way harder things, or I change the subject completely. I AM WORKING ON THIS!

CON – Losing Sight of Your Own Path

Coveting what others possess (or what you think they possess) can turn dark and cause you to follow a path that is not authentically yours. This is especially true in the social media age, where Photoshop and filters run rampant. 99% of it IS NOT REAL. Kendall Jenner herself admits to taking HUNDREDS of selfies before picking just one to post (after heavily editing.) Don’t chase that dragon.

If you’re on the right path, you will feel little to no cognitive dissonance, your actions and words will align with your core values. The seas will not always be smooth, but you will feel the current moving you in the right direction (and also bashing you into some rocks along the way.)  

Also, remember to always check your motives. The motivation driving you to accomplish the thing is more important than the thing itself.

CON – Not Giving Something a Try

As a club manager and group fitness instructor, one of the things I’ve heard over and over from members is, “That class looks like so much fun! But all of the people in there are so fit, I couldn’t keep up.” This is what I tell them, and the people that come to the classes that I teach:

↠ “You don’t have to keep up with anyone but yourself.”

↠ “It’s you against YOU, not you against the person next to you.”

↠ This one I say in my yoga classes often: “The only reason your pose should look exactly like the persons’ next to you is if you’re looking into a mirror.”

↠ “You are in control, you can always just walk right out the door!”

Another piece of advice – ask for help. Don’t be shy, you’re freaking paying to be there!  If something hurts or just doesn’t feel right, a good instructor will be able to give you options to modify the exercise and ensure you’re performing the move correctly. Depending on the class, you may have to wait till afterwards, but believe me, this is part of their job, and you should NEVER feel hesitant to ask for help or for more information. They work for you!

Let me know what you think about this in the comments below!

Thanks for reading!

– Jus

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Go AROUND!

About 5 years ago, I was riding my horse, Buzzy, in our indoor arena. We had been working for about 15 minutes, using the entire track. Out of nowhere, he shied away from the back left corner. There was nothing there that I could see, and nothing a monster could be hiding behind. I just ignored it and continued on. Next time around, he shied again. I stopped him and let him sniff around in the corner for a few moments, then put him back to work. Next time around he shied AGAIN. Irritation began to bubble up inside me. I changed directions, passing the corner on his other side, and he shied again. Okaaaaay, we’ll just work at the other end of the ring.  *blood pressure rising*

After a few minutes of riding him in the other half of the ring, I thought, “well he’s gotta be over it now.” OH NO, he shied again. Then, instead of letting it go, I became obsessed and started inferring all of these emotions into the situation. I thought to myself, “he’s doing this on purpose to get out of work! Well he’s not going to manipulate me!” So I stayed in that cursed half of the ring and started a fight. My plan was to keep going by that corner until he got the heck over it! Battle of the wills, COMMENCE!

Well, guess what? IT DID NOT WORK. This is what happened: I gave up and ended up in tears, feeling guilty about getting so  mad at him. I walked him to the outdoor ring, still crying silently while passing other horses and riders in shame. After a good, ugly cry in private while letting him eat grass with the bit in, I got back on in the outdoor ring and had a pleasant, gentle hack with loose reigns until I felt we were both relaxed again.

I learned an important lesson that day. It is not always productive to fixate on a perceived problem. I think many of us were taught, especially while learning to ride on naughty ponies, to “not let them get away with that!” and “Get after ‘em!” And I believe that advice makes sense a lot of the time. However, part of maturing emotionally as a rider, is discerning when to let things go.

Ego is very powerful and can cloud our judgement in the saddle. Sometimes it’s okay to make the choice to “go around” a perceived problem, especially when we start to lose perspective due to high emotions. I had a fear that if I let my horse get away with anything, he’d know I was “weak” and he’d suddenly turn into a nightmare and refuse work at all. Looking back, I see that my fear was really that if other people saw me as weak, I would get taken advantage of or judged negatively. It really didn’t have much to do with my horse all. Classic projection. What I know now is that rising above, letting go, and letting things roll off your back are signs of strength and wisdom, not weakness. 

I gave him a few days off after “corner-gate,” and the next time I rode him in the indoor, he did not shy. My guess is the barn is haunted. Who the heck knows?

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Self Loathing to Self Loving

At age twelve I began to believe that if I were thinner I would be more lovable, more desirable and therefore more happy. I’ve thought a lot about where this notion came from. There are obvious culprits, like basically all of the movies, tv shows, and magazines that I consumed glamorized thin, young women. Average looking females were always the “best friend/sidekick” to the hot, skinny, leading lady. I wanted to be a leading lady.

Growing up I was praised for being strong and having a big appetite. I wasn’t involved with sports that encouraged a slim body type, like ballet or gymnastics (not that these are inherently bad for young girls, I’m just trying to paint a picture.) I point this out to highlight how powerful the media and peer pressure can be, regardless of the quality of a child’s upbringing.

Looking at photos, it’s so hard to understand how I felt “fat” because I was just a girl, not super skinny, but not overweight by a long shot. Regardless, my desire to be thin soon became a need. I knew nothing about nutrition, I just knew that by eating less I would get skinnier. My attempt to reduce calories led to a pattern of food restricting and binging. Every time I “gave in” and ate a bowl of pasta or slice of pizza, I experienced a level of self loathing that still brings tears to my eyes.

I also used food as a coping mechanism for stress and anxiety. I still do this, but to a lesser degree and without the self-loathing. I would overeat my favorite foods to quiet emotional unrest, resulting in momentary relief then followed by total despair, regret, and disgust. These binge episodes felt like being taken over by an entity, like I was on auto-pilot, possessed, a prisoner in my own body, watching myself taking out the box of pasta, boil the water, thinking “I don’t want to do this,” but not being able to stop myself. I hated the feeling of being out of control. It frightened me that I could not reason my way into acting differently. I knew my actions would bring me pain, but that wasn’t enough to get me to change.

I felt less-than and weak, like there was something wrong or bad about me that caused this behavior. This low self-esteem was largely responsible for several relationships with partners that were emotionally abusive. I felt like I deserved it. My disordered eating and relationship with my body became all consuming. I was unwilling to face real life issues because I truly believed, that if I could just get skinny all of my problems would go away, or they wouldn’t bother me anymore. It sounded crazy then, and it sounds even crazier now, but I really thought that.

I was also under the false impression that eating moderately and maintaining a healthy relationship with food and one’s body was so easy for everyone else, and that if I shared my struggle I’d be met with judgement and disdain. But in time, I found that it was utterly the opposite.

I began working in the fitness world in my mid-twenties. I was shocked to hear all stories of the same struggle, my secret struggle, being spoken about by trainers, instructors and clients. I had very honest conversations with other personal trainers and my clients about about all kinds of issues surrounding food, body image, and exercise. And it felt GOOD, it surprised me how much I enjoyed talking about it, and hearing other talk about it.  In the words of Brené Brown, “shame cannot survive being spoken.” The knowledge that I was not alone launched my journey to self love and acceptance.

This isn’t one of those stories where I tell you that now I’m “cured” and then share my magic secret. I still struggle with body image and my relationship with food and my need to control. However I will share a few things that have brought me to a place in my life where I can truly forgive myself and keep my head screwed securely onto my neck. 

Let me be clear that none of the following activities gave me immediate, groundbreaking results. I believe it was these practices combined over time that, over years, got me to where I am today, which is not perfect. Lower your expectations enough? 🙂

  1. Journalling – I journaled a TON when I was going through some of the worst times. My father passing, divorce, depression, etc. At the time it seemed like just heartbreak vomited onto paper, but now I realize how constructive being brutally honest about my feelings was, because I couldn’t always express that honesty outwards. GET IT OUT!
  2. Yoga – yes I know, cliche AF. The reason I love yoga is not because I can now get my ankles behind my head, it’s because yoga taught me how to BREEEEEAAAAATH. Proper breathing reduces anxiety, releasing us from the fight/flight/freeze mindspace, creating much needed space between us and external stimuli. I learned how to use my breath to carry me through discomfort, both physical and mental. Learn how to breath, it will change your life!
  3. Exercise – Not just any exercise; exercise I ENJOY. Get sweaty, breath hard, smile, grit your teeth, get lost in the moment of physical exertion. Dancing, hiking, dodgeball, whatever, just love it and do it!
  4. I surround myself with people I respect and admire. This is one of the beauties of being an adult; you can choose who you surround yourself with. All of my closest friends are people I truly admire and find interesting. They are not exactly like me, in fact we disagree often, but they are people who are constantly evolving and curious about life. We are learning and sharing together and it’s beautiful.
  5. I accept that I cannot please everyone and not everyone is going to like me. This is something I work at almost every day. It’s becoming more natural and second nature with time and keeps my heart light. 
  6. FINALLY – I take nothing personally (half the time) and forgive easily. Okay, this is a hard one, but seriously, 99% of the time that weird look has nothing to do with you! Have empathy for the dude who overreacts when you wait one second too long to put your foot on the gas at the green light and he starts honking a waving his arms around like a lunatic… maybe he had to put his beloved pet to sleep yesterday, you just don’t know! Give people to the benefit of the doubt.

We are all a work in progress. Sharing my story is part of my growth and healing. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Remember, you are not alone <3