For more than a decade I used shame and guilt to “motivate” myself to be “better;” fitter, more successful, make more money, be more educated, accomplish more. I didn’t think that the current version of myself deserved acceptance because I wasn’t who I wanted to be, yet. Once I got to my goal weight, had the cool car, had the job I wanted and the clothes I wanted, then I would accept myself, but until then I didn’t deserve it. In fact I believed that in order to “stay on track” I needed to remind myself that I wasn’t good enough. The real Justine was in the future, and if I worked hard enough I would get to her, embody her and my life would start then, I would be worthy then.
My 2020 New Years Resolution is TO ACCEPT MYSELF EXACTLY HOW I AM. Scary, right? It won’t happen all at once. In fact, it already started years ago without me even realizing it. The difference is, through maturity and more life experience, I’ve established clarity and focus around my intentions. This resolution does not include a goal that is somewhere out in the distance, outside of us. This resolution requires us to embrace and nurture what we already are, and through that tenderness and curiosity, unlock the unlimited potential within.
Here’s the thing, in this moment, we are who we are, and to not accept this is quite ludicrous. Let me be clear, by committing to this challenge of self-acceptance, we’re not giving up on our ambitions. Acceptance is not the same as approval or satisfaction. Self-acceptance is dropping into the present moment and experiencing reality free of judgment (good or bad.) It’s about moving inward to reveal who we are, instead of constantly focusing and reaching outside of ourselves, trying to embody a fantasy version of our self that does not and will never exist. All we have is RIGHT NOW, whether we accept it or not.
To accept ourselves exactly how we are right now is counter-cultural. We’ve been taught from a young age that we are a thing that needs fixing. As women this is especially true regarding our bodies. The main message to women is, “be pleasing to look at and everything else will fall into place.” Marketing campaigns targeting girls and women meant to convince us of our unworthiness makes women very good consumers. Companies create problems that don’t exist (stretch marks, wrinkles, cellulite) then sell us the “solution.” But here’s the thing, THERE’S ANOTHER “PROBLEM” RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER. Its never-ending! This is how marketing works; this is how good consumers are created. (~conspiracy theory vibes~)
The real work of self-acceptance begins with seeing and eventually embracing what we perceive as the “ugly” or unacceptable parts of ourselves. That is when true healing begins. My “ugly” parts include feelings of jealousy, parts of me that want attention, judgmental thoughts, fears, self-doubt, and shame. By nurturing and accepting these parts of myself, I am not “encouraging” them, I am allowing them to express themselves in a space of equanimity. In my experience, these “ugly” parts just need some attention and then they quiet down. I spent years shoving these parts down, and it holds true that what we resist persists.
If this interests you I would recommend your first step be reading one of books on the subject by Tara Brach, PhD and psychologist:
Radical Acceptance
Radical Compassion
True Refuge